Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Mad Ramblings of my boobs on their birthday!

Whilst this post is not strictly learning disability related, I thought I’d share it with you all before putting it onto my MIDLIFE CRISIS RAMBLINGS page soon. And, also because it's my birthday today and my boobs are 44 years old!

Getting up early one morning and looking at myself in the bathroom mirror I decided that now I was a certain age, that I needed a boob MOT. Whilst I currently have no concerns about my funbags, I thought it would be the sensible thing to do and go have a breast screening done particularly in light of the fact that I have been fundraising for Action Cancer recently to help pay for the mammograms and health checks they offer to the general public free of charge. I'm not sure whether this particular charity is a local one or whether it rolls out this service nationwide. However, there are various charities around the UK that probably offer breast screening for women. Failing that, if you are concerned, go visit your GP immediately for a referral.

So, the appointment was made and off I trotted to my mammogram appointment. To say I was dubious about it was an understatement. I was bloody terrified. In preparation for the event I fake-tanned the boobsters so that they looked their best, buffed and bronzed my body, polished my belly bar and dyed my hair! None of which was even remotely necessary but hey, it made me feel a whole lot better.

In I went into the BIG BUS as it’s called and I was asked to fill in a short questionnaire. After a few minutes I was called into a very tiny little room by someone who looked young enough to be my daughter, with a scary looking machine that reminded me a bit of a ham slicer in the butchers. I was asked to strip down to my waist, which I did, smugly thankful that I had fake tanned! My wobbly bits are bad enough when they look milk bottle white and not too offensive when a nice sun-kissed look. 

So, I was asked to place my boobs onto a shelf whilst an xray was taken. Then I had to put each individual boob in, hold my breath for 10 seconds and that it was it. I almost fell about laughing when the radiographer said, ‘Relax and let your boob go floppy.’ I’m standing there, boob at an awkward angle, and thinking………..she has no idea how easy it is for me to ‘go floppy’ at my age!
When the xrays were taken I’m afraid I completely forgot myself, straightened up, jiggled ‘the ladies’ at the radiographer and gave them a good old rub! Thankfully she did see the funny side of it all when I told her that I was just trying to ‘fluff them up again like an old cushion.’ The lovely young girl explained to me that I would receive my results in 2-3 weeks and not to panic if I got a recall as this sometimes happens with ladies who have never had a mammogram before. She then gave me an info leaflet and a donation envelope just in case I’d like to make a small donation to help fund the charity. To be honest with you, I was so grateful in the end to know that potentially this charity could help save my life if it detected something dubious in the results, that I emptied out the entire contents of my purse into the donations envelope…….. all £50! So, no takeaway for us this weekend! But hey, it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind!

Now ladies, listen when I tell you how important it is to go get yourself checked out. It takes about 5 minutes in total. Yes, it does feel like a good hard grope and you do find yourself in not a very flattering position. But, its done very discretely and respectfully and I have to say, it feels like such a relief to actually have taken the plunge and done it!  But hey, this could save your life. Surely you can put up with 5 minutes of inconvenience and some squished boobs for 10 seconds.  So ladies, get your jugs out, wiggle them about and get a breast screening done! Today! You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your family to be around for them for as long as possible.

Some useful links